It is MAN FLU!

Attacking only males of the human species, Man Flu comes in many forms, but it is always severe and always requires complete immobilization. If infected with this insidious disease, the patient almost always requires complete bed-rest for several days, or he will collapse and may require hospitalization.

All forms of activity, besides moaning, whimpering, begging for mercy and perhaps the odd Playstation game, are to be avoided. Housework in particular could lead to permanent paralysis or even death.

Baffling scientists worldwide is the fact that a man exposed to the same bacteria or virus as a woman can suddenly, and without warning, fall victim to Man Flu, whereas the woman may only be infected with a simple cold, influenza or pneumonia, and can carry on about her day with only the most minor of symptoms.

Luckily, after several days of bed-rest, most victims of Man Flu escape their brush with death with almost no signs of permanent damage. However, many have severe and lasting psychological and emotional scarring after being told to man the hell up and do the freaking dishes.

You know what I’m talking about. It’s one of the most common dilemmas for women today; career or children.

Feminism and the women’s liberation movement have given us so many options that I sometimes feel like it would be easier to go back to being oppressed. At least when women had so few rights, they didn’t put unrealistic expectations on themselves. In many cases they simply accepted that their lot in life was to raise children and look after their husband and household. Sounds gleefully uncomplicated, doesn’t it? (Notice I didn’t say easy.)

I am playing Devil’s advocate here; I don’t actually want to be a 50s housewife. But I never expected to feel so conflicted about motherhood.

My pregnancy was unplanned and came as quite a shock, even though in the back of my mind I had always believed I would eventually find the right time to have children. And in retrospect, it was probably for the best that it happened of its own accord, because as many parents will tell you, there really is no “right time” to have children.

So despite not being sure I was totally ready, I took a deep breath and stared square in the face of impending motherhood. For the most part I was excited and looked forward to life with our new little family member, but there was a little niggle in the back of my mind that I really wished wasn’t there; the one that told me I was “giving up” and turning my back on my career, which I have worked hard to develop.

It didn’t help that once I made the announcement, people immediately started to treat me differently. They weren’t rude, or unkind, but they inadvertently became a little condescending, and enjoyed making jokes about how my life was over now. Even other parents chimed in and seemed to relish in telling me how I would never sleep again, how my “glamorous international career” as one friend called it, would have to take a backseat to the new little driving force in my life, when she arrived.

At work, instead of talking to me about the projects I was working on, people would drop in and head-tilt at me; Aww, there’s the little mother. Look at that bump! So cute! Etc, etc.

Don’t get me wrong, I liked discussing my baby and my pregnancy. After all, it was a huge deal. I was excited, and scared, and I have always been the sort of person who likes to analyze things by talking them out with friends. But again, that little voice was there, telling me this was all I was now; something that anyone can be. Parents are a dime a dozen, and as much as they like to pat themselves on the back and tell themselves they are doing the most important job in the world (which actually, they are), they are boring to people who haven’t done it yet. It feels like being put out to pasture. I was no longer a racehorse, I was a breeder.

No longer was I someone to be admired for having the aforementioned glamorous international career; I was just another woman heading off on maternity leave. Around me, my colleagues were being promoted, or given jobs and projects that might otherwise have been offered to me. It stung.

Then the baby was born. Everything changed. I no longer cared, not only about my career, but about anything that wasn’t directly related to my baby. I would find myself getting immediately bored whenever the subject changed away from parenting, and I’d have to mentally slap myself so that I could stay focused on what other people were saying. I had become what I previously said I never would; one of those annoying people who have nothing in their life besides their child. And I didn’t care who knew it.

The career woman in me was still there, albeit gagged, stuffed in a box and buried alive. I heard her muffled cries a few times, but was unsympathetic to her plight; she’d had her day, and really felt like no great loss. I surrounded myself with other mothers, and lived and breathed babies for 15 or so months.

But one has to come out of that baby fog eventually, if only because most women eventually have to return to work. I had taken as much time off as possible, adding a few unpaid months to the 12 or so paid months we get here in Norway. But we couldn’t afford for me to stay home forever, and when I’m completely honest with myself, I have to admit I was getting bored. And so was my daughter. There just wasn’t enough to keep either of us entertained, stuck at home alone together. Even though I arranged outings almost every day, and regularly spent time with the other mothers I’d met during my maternity leave, it wasn’t enough to keep my brain nourished. I started to want to talk about something else again.

A few months before I was due to return to work, I was told that there had been a restructure, and they weren’t going to be running customer projects out of the Oslo office anymore. So essentially my job didn’t exist anymore, but they were willing to find something else for me to do. I was given a couple of opportunities to think about, and I took the one that offered me the most flexibility and the least pressure. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

Now that I’m back, I don’t exactly regret my decision. Any of my decisions, actually, because if I did anything differently, my daughter would have less of me than I want her to have. My job is secure, flexible, and nowhere near as demanding as project work was. No more travel, no more late night teleconferences, no more working until late on Christmas Eve to satisfy demanding customers. I can work from home when or if I need to, and my new boss (a mother herself) is very understanding if I ever have to drop everything and leave in an emergency. The perfect compromise? Maybe. But it also means that as long as I’m no longer a project manager, my skills are getting lost, forgotten and outdated. When I am ready to get back into more demanding work, I have lost the most valuable thing one can have in the IT Industry; recent, relevant experience.

I don’t know too many men who have had to do this to their careers when they have children. Most of them take the minimum amount of parenting leave, and still pursue their careers, hobbies and friendships much as they did before. True, maybe they spend more evenings and weekends at home than they used to, but when they go out, or have to work late, or spend a weekend away, they feel justified. Speaking for myself, as much as I sometimes long for a weekend away, or even an evening, I am plagued with guilt and worry the entire time.

Sure, it is possible for a woman to bottle feed her baby, share the parental leave in a different ratio with her partner (at least here in Norway it is), and return to work without missing a beat. But what does that do to her relationship with her baby? Some would argue that it doesn’t have any negative impact, if the baby is well cared-for in her absence. You could even say that it’s better for both of them to learn to be apart. But it’s still not “having it all”, is it? You are handing over the care of your baby to others, so that you can pursue a career.

I can’t speak for other women who have chosen to do it this way, but I know I wouldn’t have been happy about it. I feel bad enough already that my daughter is seeing more of her kindergarten carers than she is of her parents, and she was over a year old by the time that happened. Plenty of babies today are in daycare from only a few months of age. That may work for those parents, and good luck to them, but I still argue that it’s not “having it all” to do it that way. It’s having a little bit of a whole bunch of different stuff. But for me, well let’s put it this way; I never feel like tapas is a real meal, even if I am full afterwards.

I think the main difference between men and women in this situation is expectation. Men don’t generally expect to be able to spend all day, every day with their children. They expect that someone (be it the mother, or some other person) is going to take care of their child while they work. They have done this pretty much since the beginning of human history. Women, on the other hand, still have all that history to overcome. For many of us, we spent our early years at home with our own mothers. It’s difficult to be the generation that does things so differently for the first time. The old expectations, desires and feelings of responsibility are fighting with the new ones.

The more time you spend being a mother, the less time you can spend focused on your career. At best it is a balancing act. I’m not the kind who can forget she ever had a career, and find total fulfillment in being a full-time mother even if it were financially viable. But I can’t go back to my old working life either.

The key to happiness is, I guess, finding the balance you can live with.

Misja

One of the best and closest friends I have in Norway, you are not only smart and beautiful, but you are also so kind and one of the best listeners I’ve ever known. I don’t know how you’ve managed to fit so many achievements into your life, given that you’re not even 30 yet! Your academic and professional careers are impressive, to say the least, but you are also a wonderful and dedicated mother. I feel lucky to know you and have you as my friend. I don’t know what I would have done if I hadn’t been able to pour my heart out to you all those times in the past few years.

Michelle

I admire you more than I can say. You’re so strong, and so dedicated and as much as you try to deny it or downplay it, you are one of the best mothers I know. Your babies are so lucky to have you as their mum. Even though in some ways we differ in parenting style, I still hold you as one of the people I most look up to and rely on for advice when it comes to how to raise my little girl. You have overcome a lot to get where you are today, and that, to me, speaks volumes about who you are as a person. You are a tower of strength and even if you don’t feel like one, everyone who knows you knows this is true.

Theresia

My first friend in Norway. I wish you hadn’t had to go back to your “normal” life after your short stay here, and I miss you all the time. We got along like old friends from the minute we met, and no matter how much time passes between visits, I never feel like things have changed between us. Professionally and academically I admire all you’ve achieved, and know that I could never do what you’ve done. I love the way you constantly challenge yourself, and push yourself to experience new things. You are someone who has listened to my problems and never been judgmental or dismissive, but you have offered me common sense advice, posed just the right questions to ask myself, and never fobbed me off with sentimental placation. I hope we stay friends forever.

Natalie

I felt like a kindred spirit with you during our time working together, and I’m so happy we have stayed in touch and stayed friends. We barely knew each other when you inadvertently had to sit up all night with me during a crisis. And yet, you were there for me like we had been friends for years. I have never forgotten that. And then there were all those great wine and cheese moments, both at the office and everywhere else. Who else could I have sneaked out for a couple of cheeky glasses with, and then crept back into the office on our hands and knees to play tricks on the receptionists? Giggling all the while, mind you. You have fantastic style, and somehow manage to be gorgeous and sophisticated while at the same time being a great laugh.

And yet another Natalie

(I’m sure you two can work out which one is which!)

Another Natalie, another amazing friend. How long have we known each other? It must be over 10 years now… We’ve been there for each other during some very dark times, and always managed to pull each other back into the light. I loved having a little piece of home here in Norway for my 30th, and you were it! You brought life and light to what might otherwise have been an understated little affair, and danced to stupid songs with me until our feet were red. When I think of you, I think of a larger-than-life personality; a woman who spreads laughter and happiness wherever she goes. Your stories are unfailingly hilarious and I think if we saw each other more often I would probably need to invest in a box of incontinence pants; you make me laugh that much. But underneath that huge personality is a beautiful soul, whose warmth and compassion have pulled me through some of the worst times in my life. Never stop being you.

Jo

You were really so young when you suddenly had two kids in your life, when probably all you wanted was to spend time with their dad. And yet, you’ve been not only a parent to me, but a true friend. You never judge, you never lecture, you just listen and ask me questions so that I can figure out the answers for myself. From homework problems through to boy (and later man) problems, you always helped me find my own way, even if I had to do some damn stupid things along the way to learn what I needed to know. I hope you know how important you are to me, and how much you have done for me over the years. I know that I wouldn’t be who I am today without your guidance and influence.

Mum

It’s really only now that I am a mother myself that I begin to know what you are to me and have done for me. Every day I hear you echoing in my own voice as I talk to and guide my own little girl. From the wonderful legacy that was your mum, and my Grandma, came a woman who for years I just thought of as “Mum” but whom I now feel I have begun to know as a person. Maybe it’s because I’ve lived so far away for so long now, or maybe it’s something we all go through when we become parents ourselves, but either way I feel very lucky to know you both as a mother and as a woman. It seems to be the curse of motherhood that we never know how dearly we are loved until we feel that love for our own children; but now that I know what you must have felt for me all these years, I thank you for it. Maybe I can’t know how hard it is for you that I, and as a consequence, Ella too, live so far away from you. But you should know that you are always present in the person you have brought me up to be, and I am proud of and grateful for that gift.

Finally, and most importantly;

Ella

You are the most wonderful and amazing gift I could ever ask for. I look forward so much to seeing the woman you will become, and hope you will always know how much I love you. You have changed my life forever, and though right now I miss some small things (like being able to sleep past 5am), I feel like a light shone down on my life when you entered it. You make me laugh and smile every day, and it is with great joy and also great sadness that I watch you grow so quickly. You are truly a wonder to me, and even though there will undoubtedly be times you will be mad at me, and will probably slam the door in my face, I will always be there when you open it again. Always.

There are so many great women in my life, and though I can’t mention you all here, you should all know that you are wonderful in your own unique way. Take a moment today, not only to think about the women in your life that you couldn’t do without, but who YOU are and why you mean something special to your friends and loved ones. We don’t take enough time to think about ourselves, who we are and what we mean to others, because it’s in our nature to put others first. But you are special, you are valued and you are needed. Every one of you. Happy Women’s Day.

But the part of the statistic that really fascinates me is the kinds of search terms people use to reach this site. Of course there is a lot of “pine nut bitter taste” and “I love Wii Fit” involved, but some of them are truly bizarre. Here are some of my favourites:
“big cat mothers” – I keep wondering if they were looking for pictures of lion cubs, or is this some downtown jivey street-slang. Get that gun out of my face you big cat mother! Yeah, that could work.

“sweet things taste horrible nausea” – I get this every year just after easter.

“where did hair gel come from” – I’d love to think my blog was that educational.

“everything tastes like battery acid” – I know how this person feels (if it’s the pine nut thing). Such touching desperation in this search.

“christer reeve superman” – Yes, he is the only real Superman. Ahh Christopher.

*long, Superman-related dreamy pause*

Ahem, where were we…

“bad taste in mouth after eating medical” – I hope they were wondering if it’s a medical cause, not that they ate something medical. Kids, you should never eat medical without the advice of your doctor or pharmacist.

“sushi mojo” – was someone specifically searching for my kittens? Did they forget my name? Or… are there other Sushi Mojo combos out there…

“chew your arm off” – I can’t imagine what this person was looking for, or why they ended up here. Fascinating. And a little insulting.

“zoeselina.com” – this is a weird one… wouldn’t you just type this into the address bar?

“how to dust your hair” – I would never have guessed what this was about until my hairdresser recently used a new powder styling product on my hair. Or was this a gangster looking for a hair removal solution?

So there you have it, my top ten favourite ZoeSelina search terms. I don’t really care how people find me and my blog, i just love that they do. Good times everyone.

Don’t forget to check out the new photos of Mojo and Sushi I posted in the photo album either. They’re getting big! Here’s one to get you started:

It must be the year of big cat babies; they seem to be popping up everywhere! The article I got these photos from is written in Norwegian, but here’s a basic translation for you:

Today, the newborn bengal tiger cubs were shown in the Moscow Zoo for the first time. It was a clearly proud mother who strutted around while the newly arrived cubs, two boys and a girl, peeped curiously at the assembled crowd of people.

The cubs were born at the end of March, but had been kept indoors until today. Now they have, among other things, access to a swimming pool.

For more pictures, click the link below…

Photos: Maxim Shipenkov/EPA/Scanpix

It really irritates me that from such a young age women are conditioned to believe that one of the most important things about them is the way they look. These days it’s getting even harder to attain the kind of images we see in the media, what with photoshopping, ridiculously underweight models everywhere and now we’re faced with competition with women who don’t even exist; women created entirely on a computer. Even Angelina Jolie can’t compete with her own cgi-twin from the movie Beowulf.

I really wish more companies would go the way of Dove with their advertising campaigns. Not only are Dove promoting real women with normal bodies in their advertising, they’re taking the first step in leading other companies to do the same; when you consider the positive world-wide reaction to their campaign, other beauty and fashion related companies would be idiotic not to follow suit.

I think what Dove are doing to promote natural, achievable beauty is fantastic. We all owe it to ourselves to accept and love ourselves just as we are. We can do things to feel better about ourselves, like exercising, taking care of our skin and hair, dressing in a way that makes us feel good, but we don’t need to be endlessly trying to achieve the impossible and feeling like a failure when we realise we don’t or can’t measure up.

If you’ve ever watched a show like How To Look Good Naked, you can see what confidence can do to change the way a person appears to others. These women didn’t need liposuction or facelifts to look great, they needed a wake-up call. Being realistic about your appearance and how it stacks up against other women (even other “real” women) is harder than it sounds, but we owe it to ourselves to try. More often than not we’re walking around being envious of women who, in turn, are envious of us!

Just as I’m feeling envious of one of my close friend’s long, slim torso and complaining that I can’t wear halter tops because of the size of my chest, she’s scowling at me and telling me that she’d kill for a bit more to fill her bra with.

I know I’ll still criticise myself in the mirror now and then, and I know I’ll still feel envious of other women and their assets, but I’m going to make a concerted effort to pull myself up when I do it and try to look at the things I am happy with about myself and only try to change the things it is realistic for me to change.

Dove have put together a website full of information about the effects of current advertising on the self esteem of women. It’s worth a look:

On Sunday night Chris and I decided to watch The Simpsons Movie again. We had already seen it at the cinema, but we’ve also had it on DVD for some time and just hadn’t got around to watching it. I was struck by a thought that had also occurred to me when we saw it on the big screen; Homer and Marge are one of the great modern love stories.

When I first became aware of The Simpsons, back in about 1990 I believe, I remember that the show was promoted as featuring the world’s most dysfunctional family. But when you look back over the 20 years that The Simpsons has been on TV, there isn’t too much Homer and Marge’s love hasn’t survived; raising kids, financial problems, disease, infidelity (or the risk of it anyway), lies, mistakes, indecent proposals, bigamy, a giant catfish, a killer robot-house with a voice like Pierce Brosnan… they even got a divorce in one episode. Homer and Marge have been through it all and yet they always come out holding hands in the end. I find it inspiring,despite the fact that they’re just cartoon characters.

Some would argue that Homer and Marge’s relationship is based on his dependence and her need to be depended on, and admittedly there is some truth to that. But if, like me, you believe in the idea that a successful relationship is symbiotic to the mutual benefit of both people, then you also have to admit that in this sense Homer and Marge have a great recipe for success. That’s not to say that Marge is always playing the role of the forgiver and Homer is always at fault, despite Reverend Lovejoy’s comment at the church marriage retreat:

Marge, as a trained marriage counselor, this is the first instance where I’ve ever told one partner that they were 100% right. It’s all his fault. I’m willing to put that on a certificate you can frame.

Remember when Marge very nearly had an affair with her bowling instructor, Jacques? Or when she refused to lie about Bart’s injuries, losing the family a million dollar out-of-court settlement? But it’s what gets them back together at the end of each episode that’s important; the realisation that they are perfect for each other and that life apart would be unbearable.

I leave you with an excerpt from the end of “The Way We Was” episode, in which Homer tells Bart and Lisa the story of how he and Marge met and fell in love:

Homer: [to Marge] I’ve got a problem. Once you stop this car, I’m going to hug you, and kiss you, and then I’ll never be able to let you go.

[Present day, Homer and Marge are hugging in front of the kids.]

Homer: And I never have. [He and Marge kiss. Lisa and Maggie look happy while Bart is pointing in his mouth, gagging.]

Aww.

I found the site of a fellow-blogger; a blog called Beyond 30 (which has instant appeal for those of us cringing at the thought of our next landmark birthday having a terrifying 4 at the front of it). The blog owner had recently posted about the “Hemingway Meme” which I found fascinating.

Quoting from this site, among others:

Legend has it that Hemingway was once challenged to write a story in only six words. His response? “For sale: baby shoes, never worn.”

This then seems to have sparked online magazine, SMITH Magazine, to launch a competition of sorts to get their readers to submit a memoir consisting of only six words. This was back in 2006, so the first book of six-word-memoirs has already been published, titled Not Quite What I Was Planning. In SMITH’s words:

Everyone has a story. Can you tell yours in six words? Submit yours to be considered for SMITH’s next six-word memoir book. The first book, Not Quite What I Was Planning, is out now.

You can submit yours to SMITH here.

I read a few of the entries and was intrigued. The whole idea was so reminiscent of PostSecret to me (if you haven’t had the voyeuristic pleasure, PostSecret is an ongoing community art project where people mail in their secrets anonymously on one side of a homemade postcard). Both of these projects ask you to shrink down your life, your situation or your secret to a few words which let readers make up the rest of the story in their minds. It fosters creativity and imagination at both ends of the process, which I love.

Here is a YouTube video that SMITH Magazine put together telling the story of their original contest, including some of the entries:

I read in the Beyond 30 blog that this six word memoir has been made into a blog-meme; in other words, take one down, pass it around.

It was something I was really interested to take part in, and invite others to do so as well.

Here are the rules for participation in the Six Words Meme:
1) Write your own six word memoir.
2) Post it on your blog, including a visual illustration if you want to.
3) Link to the person that tagged or inspired you to join in (in this case ME!), and to the original post if possible [so we can track it as it travels].
4) Tag at least five others with links.
5) Don’t forget to leave a comment on the tagged blogs with an invitation to play.
6) Have fun!

So without further ado, here is my six word memoir:

I tag Vanessa, Kat, Lilly, Amy Joanna and Jeff to participate. Looking forward to reading theirs.

I was watching CNN this morning, a sad little morning ritual these days (mostly an excuse to sit on the couch in my dressing gown sipping tea and refusing to greet the day), and I was amused and a little nauseated to see that the original whiter-than-white boy band, New Kids on the Block, are reuniting. Yes, it’s true. Despite the fact that they’re all pushing 40 and look like insurance salesmen, they’re giving it another go.

I get that a lot of the old super groups like The Rolling Stones and The Eagles do these reunion tours and so on, but that’s because they had something to offer music history: MUSIC! I guess that’s why NKOTB are planning on releasing a new album, because let’s face it, there’s nothing in their old stuff that hasn’t been done over and over since they split up in 1994 by every other boy band on the face of the earth. Sure, there’s a kitschy sort of nostalgia about watching their old music videos, but I’ll be damned if I want to see a bunch of pre-middle-aged men doing the running man and singing “Step ONE, we can have lots of fun!”. Actually no, that would be kind of funny.

New Kids on the Block were really smack in the middle of what I guess is my era. I was 13 when they released their first single in Australia and I was 17 when they called it quits, so I was right in their demographic. However, I was brought up in a household that frowned on pulp culture, so I didn’t get into the craze like some of my friends did. Sure, I danced to their music at school dances and listened to my friends squeal and carry on about which one they were going to marry when they grew up, but I remained outside that circle. Perhaps unwillingly, I can’t really remember. Probably the part of me that hated the fact that I wasn’t allowed to watch Young Talent Time or 90210 secretly wished I knew enough about NKOTB to have a crush on one of them. However, I just buried such wishes under a sneering cloak of disdain and a manufactured sense of being above such teenage frippery.

It remains to be seen whether NKOTB will be able to actually produce anything worth listening to. Apparently the ugly one, whose name escapes me but I know you know which one I mean, has been working as a music producer since the band broke up, so you never know. Maybe they learned something in the last eighteen years. One would hope.

In any case, they will surely get a lot of attention just because they are 90s pop icons. But we must remember, even the Beatles couldn’t make a comeback. Anyone remember Free As A Bird and Real Love from 1996? Even using old recordings of John Lennon couldn’t help them, and NKOTB don’t have anyone as talented as Lennon supplying them with material from beyond the grave.

However, any hopes I had that they might embrace the corn of their original incarnation and laugh along with the rest of us were dashed when I read the first blog post from one of the band members, “Joey Mac”. See if you can read this shlock with a straight face. “Long live The Block”? Give me strength.